Why Guilt Feels Heavier After Loss (and How to Heal Authentically)
Healing Through Grief:
Why Guilt Feels Heavier After Loss.
Hello Awakening Souls,
Have you ever wondered why guilt feels heavier after someone you love is gone?
Grief is complicated. It’s not just sadness that we feel — there’s regret, disappointment, and sometimes guilt. And every loss, no matter how much we loved the person, feels different.
Nine days ago, I lost my mom.
It was quick, but in truth, it was long. Over the last few years, my mom had been going through the process of getting diagnosed with dementia. She became smaller, more fragile, and more scared. And in my own healing journey, I’d already started the process of letting go.
Healing a Complex Relationship
In some ways, I had a wonderful childhood. In others, not so much. The person I grew up with — the one who had been my biggest challenge — became this tiny person who needed care and support.
That shift wasn’t easy for me. It required me to work on releasing old emotions, healing childhood wounds, and letting go of the lens of the hurt child I had carried for so long.
Because of this work, I was able to be present with her in her final days. I could tell her I loved her. I could sit with her without anger. And I could see her for who she was, not through the pain of my past.
One question helped me over and over again during this process:
“What happened to you?”
This question — also explored in Oprah Winfrey’s book What Happened to You? (co-written with Dr. Bruce Perry) — has been pivotal on my healing journey. It allowed me to shift from resentment to compassion, from blame to understanding.
What Guilt is Really Trying to Tell You
As grief surfaced, so did regret. I regretted not letting go sooner. I regretted not having more time to ask her the questions I now wish I could.
But here’s the truth: I don’t carry guilt for those things because I know I wasn’t out of alignment with my values.
Guilt is the emotion we feel when we’re out of alignment with our soul, our spirit, and our values. It’s a signpost, guiding us back to our authenticity.
For me, one of my greatest values is loyalty — and for years, I misunderstood what that meant. I stayed in relationships, jobs, and situations long after I should have left, thinking that staying was an act of loyalty. But loyalty isn’t about staying; it’s about how we show up and how we leave.
When Guilt is Actually Distress
What I thought was guilt during my mom’s final days wasn’t guilt at all. It was distress.
Distress is what we feel when we’re holding a boundary or stepping into a new way of being. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s not wrong.
There were times when I felt distressed leaving the hospital, knowing my mom might pass while I wasn’t there. But I also knew that I needed to take care of myself to show up as the daughter I wanted to be in those final moments.
Each time I left, I told her I loved her and that it was okay. I knew our contract was complete. And I knew there was nothing to forgive.
The Power of Sovereignty in Emotional Healing
One of the values that has guided me most through this process is sovereignty — the ability to govern myself, my emotions, and my choices from a place of alignment.
Sovereignty has helped me let go of old wounds and traumas without forgetting them. It’s allowed me to carry the lessons of my experiences without the emotional triggers that once came with them.
And it’s helped me see my mom not as a villain, but as someone who was doing the best she could with the tools she had.
Grieving the Relationship, Not Just the Person
Grief isn’t just about losing someone. It’s about losing the relationship we hoped we’d have.
When my mom passed, I realized I was still holding onto hope — hope that one day we’d have a heart-opening conversation, hope that she’d explain why things were the way they were.
With her death, that hope disappeared.
Grieving isn’t just about the person we lose. It’s about letting go of the expectations, the conversations that will never happen, and the dreams we had for the relationship.
What Boundaries Have Taught Me About Love
Setting boundaries doesn’t mean you don’t love someone. It means you’re honoring your values while creating space for a healthier dynamic.
I had to place boundaries with my mom, and they weren’t always understood or respected. But I didn’t regret them because I knew they were in alignment with my values.
Boundaries aren’t about controlling someone else. They’re about protecting your peace. And when you create boundaries with compassion, they become an act of love — for yourself and for the other person.
Moving Forward with Peace
As I navigate these final stages of grief, I’ve been reminded again and again of the importance of doing the work. Healing old wounds, understanding our values, and releasing emotional triggers don’t just serve us in the good times. They prepare us for the hard moments too.
Because I’ve done this work, I can move forward without anger, resentment, or guilt. I can hold my mom’s memory with love and compassion. And I can wish her peace without needing to rewrite our story.
Practical Steps to Release Guilt and Align with Your Values
If you’re navigating grief or carrying guilt, here are some practices to help you reconnect with your values and find peace:
Journal Prompt: What values matter most to you? How can you align your choices with those values?
Self-Compassion Practice: When guilt arises, ask yourself: Am I truly out of alignment, or is this distress?
Release Exercise: Visualize letting go of the expectations and resentments that no longer serve you.
What’s Next for You?
If you’re ready to let go of guilt, release old wounds, and reconnect with your authentic self, I’d love to invite you to my Authentically You Bootcamp.
✨ Here’s what we’ll cover:
How to identify and align with your values (so guilt no longer holds you back).
How to set boundaries with compassion and courage.
How to release emotional triggers and find peace.
📅 Dates: February 12-14
🕘 Time: 9am PST / 12pm EST
💻 Location: Online (via Zoom)
💛 [Click Here to Save Your Spot]
Final Thoughts
Grief is messy, but it’s also a teacher. It teaches us about our values, our capacity for compassion, and the importance of letting go.
What’s one step you can take today to honor your healing journey?
Brightest of blessings,
Dawn xo
The Awakening Light
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